tw: image contains a really heterosexist tweet
The powers that be do not want me to have a good night.
Man, let’s say you’re at a party, yeah? And there are people at the party that prefer cake, and people at the party who prefer pie, so the host serves both. Alright, cool.
So you go in for a slice of pie, when suddenly the host CHARGES over and goes “WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”
“I’m having some pie, man, chill.”
“What the hell? I thought you had cake last time.”
“Yeah, I did have cake last time. But I’m not feeling the cake tonight. And this is my favorite kind of pie.”
“Ohhh no. I thought you were a CAKE person and now all of a sudden you’re eating pie on me? You’re confusing me! Make up your mind!”
“What’s the big deal, even? There’s plenty of both for everyone.”
“YOU CAN’T LIKE BOTH CAKE AND PIE. YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE.”
But man, fuck that guy, I’m going to have the pie anyway, who cares if I had cake last week.
And then if that pie is so good that I never want any other dessert for the rest of my life, that doesn’t mean I suddenly never liked that cake that I ate.
Actually this metaphor is kind of dumb. I guess I should just leave it at “fuck you.”
No, it’s sweet. In fact, it’s a lovely springboard for the rest of the sexualities. For instance, asexuality:
You’re enjoying the party - the music, the conversation - but you just don’t feel like eating cake or pie.
Suddenly, the host charges over with some cake he’s sure you’ll love. He knows this cake. It’s not too rich and not too dry. You politely refuse.
The party keeps going until the host comes back with a slice of pie, practically shoving it in your hands. You try to refuse again.
“Oh come on, what do you want?”
“Nothing, I’m fine.”
“Are you on a diet?”
“No, I just don’t eat pie. Or cake.”
“…you had a bad experience with dessert, didn’t you?”
“Forgive me if I’m getting too personal, but it had to be something traumatic. Did someone spike a baked good of whatever construction with a laxative?”
“Fuck no. I just have no desire to eat dessert. I’m sure your pies, cakes, muffins, cookies, waffles, wafers, Nutella sandwiches, what have you…I’m sure they are all lovely. Please, serve them to any and all who would consume them. I’m not one of them. Is that really so hard to comprehend?”
“…you just haven’t found the right one.”
I sort of really love dessert metaphors for sexuality because some of the things people say about sexuality are so ridiculous, but people really only notice them with the metaphors.
Also I love them because I like food and I’m going to eat some dessert now.
the metaphor may begin to break down around demisexuality but what if you’re not really into the whole “eating desserts” thing, in general; like, maybe sweets just ain’t your thing! But your significant other always makes special desserts just for you and they put a lot of effort into them and so of course you eat them and they’re—well, they’re really nice, and so from then on you just really like the desserts they make, but if you go out to a party and they just have random desserts chillaxing you’re always like “eh” “nah” “doesn’t look too appetizing” “[SO] didn’t make ‘em they’re probs not that gr8”
and with pansexuality is like if you like cakes AND pies AND puddings and—just, all desserts, as long as they taste good! Trifles? Yes! Cookies? Yes! Fruit salad? Yes! Ice cream? Yes! But then people are just like “what there are only pies or cakes to choose from WHAT ARE THESE OTHER DESSERTS YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND U”
YES YES And you’re straight not because cakes and pies don’t look or taste delicious (I’m sure they do) but you just can’t imagine sampling anything with heavenly hash ice cream in the room because it has all the big and little things you like about dessert just wrapped up into one and nothing else quite compares.
But if you’re not an idiot you are super supportive of the pie-eating people because if they all switched to ice cream there’d be less for you silly and really who cares if they like pie? Why would you want to make someone stop eating pie if they like it so much? I wouldn’t want them to tell me not to eat ice cream.
And then some brilliant bisexual puts heavenly hash ice cream on their pie and you’re like ‘daaaaaamn I like the way you think.’
Tumblr: From homophobia to written food porn in 8 seconds flat.